Increased professionalism

Dear Reader,

Good day to one and all of you. Although this blog site has been very useful as a tool to promote the activities of the mighty Leper/ Beautiful Beer boys, it is time for them to be raise their profile (and abandon Beautiful Beer for copyright reasons!). Henceforth, all Leper reporting will be on a new and improved website - www.hepperslepers.co.uk .

It will be excellent with a plethora of new features.

Do come and visit, it will be an inspiration to your life!

Signing off from this blog site with regards,

Beermaster!

The Title Decider

The time had come ... the whole season rested on the following 30 minutes of football. The Lepers were wary, despite their excellent form since the terrible draw with the Chavs. 7 consecutive wins since then had seen the Lepers emerge as the fantastic footballing side that everyone knew they could be.

8 of the 9 Lepers were there, with only Phil Hoskins missing due to work commitments.

The match itself began in cagey fashion with neither team willing to give an inch. However, it was only a matter of time until the Lepers got their breakthrough, and it was Drunk Drake who opened the scoring. Using his tried and tested method of hitting the ball straight at the keeper, Drake reeled away in glory.

A second Drake goal shortly before half-time gave the Lepers a degree of comfort at the interval. The lads regrouped during the 5 minute break and prepared for the final push.

Shortly after the break, Matt Ames, the Lepers' top goalscorer added a third as the Lepers could almost touch the trophy, and Division 5.

A touch of violence marred the second half as a Lebowski-ite lashed out at the effervescent John Harvey and was giving his marching orders.

John Harvey added the final touches for the Lepers with a fourth goal and the lads played out the remaining minutes until the final minute was greeted with jubilation, as the Lepers' achievements were realised.

The party was ready to begin, and it was down to the Gunner for Champion, Chicken Burgers and Celebrations!

Party Time

Chavs: The return leg

With just two games to go until the end of the season, the Leper squad knew that this game against the foul-mouthed Chavs. Earlier in the season, the Chavs had humiliated the Lepers, somehow cheating their way back to 4 all.

An alcohol crisis had engulfed the Lepers squad with a number of players unable to attend due to festive drinking sessions. Those that were at the imposing Worship Street Arena were in for an interesting evening.

News began to emerge that the Chavs had breached their ASBOs and were being locked up for crimes against humanity and this was confirmed just after the expected kick-off time. A bemused Lepers 5 absorbed the situation and began to realise they were just one win away from Championship glory.

As events transpired, an arrogant Jeronimo rival dismissed the quality of the Leper side, and suggesting that they were not deserving of their impending glory.

This was music to the ears of the Lepers who, having prepared for the Chavs, wanted blood.

The friendly match kicked off, and without wishing to bore the reader, Jeronimo were annihilated by a rampant Leper squad. The score was beyond recognition, but estimates suggest it was either 8-0 or 9-0. Humiliation.

Onto the Lebowski-ites, and a win in the 5.15 kick off would see the Lepers claim top spot, richly deserved it would be as well.

PWC Hotspurs

Three games to go and the Lepers came up against the PWC Hotspurs, a team scouted as weak opposition. Not even the prospect of playing against Cyrille Regis could lessen their hopes of giving out a lesson in Leperage.

The opening goal was a long time in coming with Matt Ames in particular getting frustrated by the dexterity of the Hotspurs' keeper. It was Ames however who broke the deadlock. Driving down the left flank he powered the ball home past the brave keeper. The second goal came shortly afterwards when Spike tormented the hapless Hotspurs backline and slotted home.

Matt Ames then doubled his tally with some neat footwork to really dent the ambitions of the Hotspurs. The customary substitution was made at this point. Will Webb, whose recent goalscoring run had seen him watched by numerous scouts, emerged into the fray. Earlier in the week, he had promised that he would score his first left-footed goal, to much amusement from his teammates.

Not one to disappoint his onlookers, Webb, within seconds of his entry to the field, had seized on a goalkeeping error and slid the ball past his victim to roars of delight from the WAG entourage. Before half-time Matt Ames grabbed the opportunity to hit his third hat-trick of the campaign with a drilled shot. The Lepers therefore went in pretty comfortably positioned at 5-0, although had to thank the ever active keeper Sheen for a couple of saves.

As the second half restarted the Lepers went in search of further goals, but the intensity of the first half had passed. A lull ensued before Webb battered the Hotspurs defence with his usual robust movement and doubled his personal tally for the day.

Mark Jerzak, having scored at a healthy rate at the start of the season, was experiencing somewhat of a barren spell. His desire for goals shone through in this game and that hunger was rewarded with a fine strike that crept in off the post.

Disaster then struck for the Lepers as an innocuous looking shot from an opposition player, comfortably covered by the keeper was cruly directed into the opposite corner from team agitator-in-chief Dan Drake. Frustrated by his own incompetence, Drake turned on his teammates to deny the Lepers a well-deserved clean sheet. It was taken in good humour.

Harvey then added the team's eigth goal with a nice run down the left flank before burying the ball securely in the back of the opposition's net. That goal brought him closer to top-scorer Ames' tally for the season.

The gap however, was re-widened when Matt added the final death knell to the opposition by baffling and humiliating the keeper. The game was all over at 9-1, and that is all there is to say on the game.

P.S. Will Webb had the chance for a hat-trick, his first in any form of football, but missed a penalty.
And backheels have been banned from all future matches, particularly when in front of either team's goal!!

Title decider? Link is glorious!

In any activity that one undertakes, the ultimate aim is success. Or at least as close to that as is possible. The Lepers certainly aim with all their hearts for ultimate glory. It is hard however for mere mortals to imagine quite what greatness can be achieved by those who transcend the border between humanity and deity. I believe there is a special character whom we could all learn a great deal from.

100% respect to King Paul Collingwood. " You don't see many things like this in life"

With dreams of Collingwood doing well in the forthcoming Adelaide test the Lepers approached their late kick-off in expectant fashion. It was clear from a glimpse of the league table that Jeronimo was a massive game. By a combination of teams not turning up, and beating some detritus, Jeronimo had a point lead over the Lepers going into this game. Nonetheless Jeronimo had lost the previous week, and an effervescent Lepers had scored 27 in 3 games. This was a tie that promised much, but would it deliver?

After an impressive start from the Lepers it was still 0-0 after 5 minutes, despite the Jeronimo bar being shaken, rattled and rolled by the vibrant Leper side. A swift counter-attack soon altered that matter. A quick throw-out from Sheen was picked up by Drake, who slipped the ball into the path of the unrushing Harvey, who cooly slotted home for the Lepers.

Another lull then ensued until a Jeronimo player bizarrely becamed sin-binned, seemingly without being noticed by one, or more, of the Leper side. The Lepers for the first time in the campaign were a man up. Surely this was a chance to kick on and destroy their opposition.

However, the one-man advantage was short-lived. A reckless challenge from behind from a Jeronimo hooligan piled the lad into the boards. Keeper Sheen, always keen to protect his players came out of his area to calm the situation and innocuously placed both hands in the offending player's chest area, inadvertently hurtling him towards the hoardings. Bizarrely, the referee decided that this act deserved a 2-minute sin-bin. Again, I must re-iterate this was very strange.

Anyway, the magical gloves were handed over to the competent hands of top-scorer Ames, who had earlier in the season denied Jeronimo. A more than adequate display saw him keep a clean sheet while the Lepers added to their tally while understrength. An error by the less than competent looking keeper left Harvey standing front of goal to double the Lepers' advantage.

Shortly after Sheen returned to the fray, taking the gloves and returning the team to the maximum. This was shortly followed by the introduction of Super-Sharp-Shooter Will Webb. And again within minutes the supersub had marked his entrance with a goal. He gave the keeper the eyes, and then duly struck the ball home, to the delight of his onlooking crowd (of one).

The half-time break saw a review of the Lepers' operations. All were agreed that the game was going roughly to plan, red mist aside. An early lapse caused a few butterflies to appear as the Lepers started to give the ball away sloppily, and saw them just 3-1 up. An end-to-end period ensued with Jeronimo's keeper surprising by making some saves. It was not all one-way traffic as Sheen also had to make a national-class save (and did the splits at some point, alledgedly).

The reintroduction of Harvey proved the terminal point for Jeronimo. Despite attempting to get into the game, the tempo was maintained by the Lepers for the most part and Jeronimo didn't look like scoring. It was fitting that Harvey was to strike the killer blow. His third of the game relieved a great deal of pressure from the Leper souls and it was good to see another hat-trick for the Lepers.

It didn't take long for the game to be over. As Drake cut inside some tired looking individuals and mis-hit a shot towards goal. Fortunately for the Lepers the opposition keeper managed to scoop the ball past himself into the net. Own-goal or given to Drake. We will see. Dubious goals panel says, regrettably, Drake!

The Lepers then conceded again late on despite the efforts of Jerzak and the keeper but they were not up to the task of beating the Lepers. 3 games to go and the Lepers are one point clear, on a great run of form. Long may it continue but it is clear there are more obstacles to overcome.

COLLINGWOOD

Orange Revolution

Well, well, well. Can anyone stop the Leper juggernaut? On Olympic's previous showing, they were not to be the team. They were poor.

5 minutes into this game, Olympic looked like a different side. Organised behind the ball but without offering much up-front.

That was the best it got for them unfortunately as Drake stole in like a snake from the grass and put the Lepers one nil up. Within seconds Matt Ames had continued his insatiable goalscoring form and doubled the lead.

It was time to unleash Jerzak. Having missed the previous game on "international duty" in Amsterdam, doing unspeakable things and researching new cultures. Within moments, he had proved that he was back and focussed on the task in hand by slamming home his first goal for a while. Moments later he had got his second and he was properly psyched up.

Ames shortly afterwards added his second and the Lepers were 5-0 up before half-time. There was still time for Jerzak to add his third for his inaugural hat-trick. Not the first player to produce a trick with his hat this season.

After that performance it was always going to be hard for the team to remain 100% alert, especially defensively, as the goal-lust normally begins to emerge around this time.

It was worse than normal, as the orange-clothed devils stormed back into the game to make it 6-1, then 6-2 and then 6-3. No chance of a clean sheet, that was clear!

It soon became clear that this was all part of a cruel joke by the beer-loving rascals. Having given Olympic a glimmer of a hope, they stormed away again. With a show of mesmerising and beguiling talent the team created an opportunity for Drake to add to his game's tally and to his now bulging sack of goals of late.

Harvey then continued his good, consistent goalscoring run. Never scores in a flurry but sure to score every game, hopefully.

Drake soon found some extra impetus to grab his third, and the side's eight, putting himself within striking distance of top-scorer Matt Ames' collection of strikes.

All-in-all, another comfortable victory for the team that are now renowned by all onlookers as the finest purveyors of great football, dashes of aggression and random shouting.

-News soon filtered through to the lads of league leaders Jeronimo's defeat against the Lebowski-ites. This puts the Lepers one point behind Jeronimo with the two teams to meet in their next match. A real six-pointer one might say. Come on the Lepers.

Share and share alike

The Lepers' success has been based on team work. There is no denying that. Proof of that camaraderie is shown below in the list of scorers so far this season:

Reserve team goal scorers: Drake (3), Spike (2), Stoner, Jerzak, Sheen

Nien Guten Morgan

One game into the second half of the season, the Lepers were placed to make a charge for the title. After the disappointment of the humiliation of conceding three goals in the first half of their first match, albeit from a game they drew, the Lepers were keen to beat this side.

Without the ginger pranksters, Jerzak and Stoner, the Lepers were down to a seven-man squad. It didn't take long however, for these boys to get themselves ahead. Spike topped off a wonderful move with a sweet finish to move one nil up. Immediately afterwards the Lepers' well-oiled machine sprung into life, creating another goal and then another and then another. Ames, Harvey and Drake all getting in on the act.

A lack of concentration from the Lepers let the Morgan fools get one back. But not to fear the Lepers struck straight back. Supersub Webb, having just entered the arena was found with a precise throw from keeper Sheen, and, as if in slow motion, turned his marker and fired in his fourth goal in three games. Drake then added a sixth to add a bit of first-half comfort for the Lepers. Unfortunately, another aberration from the Lepers, probably the fault of Drake, let the opposition in for a second goal, which also brought about the temporary injury to keeper Sheen.

After a brief break for half-time, the Lepers took their time to settle before reasserting their dominance. Drake clicked into action, nailing another two goals to take his tally to four for the game, and the team's to 8. At some point Morgan scored another so I will say it is now. The score stood at 8-3.

Desperate for goals for the team, and particularly for himself, Webb found himself in front of goal, and coolly slotting home to make it 9-3. Chants of "We want 10" rang around the stadium, particularly from the relatively pretty girl behind the goal.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Spike, who had produced one of his finest performances so far this season got on the end of a series of sublime passes and netted for number 10. With a couple of minutes to go, he added his third, and the took the score to 11-3.

In the dying seconds, Webb had a chance to create history when he was through on goal but the keeper made a fine save leaving Phil to stroke the ball home, but on a frustrating evening for the lad he was also denied by the keeper.

All-in-all an absolutely fine perfomance by the Lepers. Their record numbers of goals in a game and hat-tricks goals spread around the team. With just five games left the Lepers move into second, but the hard work must continue for championship glory.

Dancing around Wolves

The crucial victory against the Lebowski-ites had put the Lepers back on track in the league, and restored some much needed confidence. The game against the Wolves, who had triumphed over the Lepers with a 10-0 forfeit victory in the first game of the season, was a game with real resonance for all involved. Not only was it a chance to avenge that travesty, there was the real glimmer of Championship glory.

The lads went into the game missing the talismanic Phil Hoskins, who was fast becoming one of the most feared players in the division. The 8-man squad was still intact however, as Mark Stoner passed a late fitness test on the knee injury that has kept him out of competitive action for two years. Having learnt his apprenticeship the week before on the sidelines, he was now ready. Doubts were cast when he said he hadn't worn a pair of shinpads since 1997, but the keenness in his eyes showed his intent.

With a squad of such quality, picking the starting line-up is becoming an increasingly difficult task. The Gaffer, Sheeno, this week choosing to send out himself, the returning Jerzak, last week's hat-trick hero Ames, John Harvey and Dan Drake for only his second outing of the campaign. All subs could feel themselves unlucky not to be involved.

The Lepers got off to a slightly sluggish start, struggling to assert their authority. Fortunately, Jerzak decided to make a decisive intervention by nailing one of their players, reminding the Wolves of what they were up against. Within seconds of this, Matt Ames had created himself a window of opportunity and slammed the ball across the keeper and into the bottom corner. This boy is on fire.

Shortly after the lead was doubled. Harvey finished off another neat move superbly, using his expert judgement to deceive the defenders and send the Lepers into a semi-chuffed position.

An act of stupidity by the Wolves gave away a free-kick on the edge of their own box. They seemed satisfied that they had all angles covered. However, Matt Ames trotted into space and dispatched a low drive into the Wolves' net. Could this be a repeat of the first-half goals from the week before?

You would have thought so minutes later. The goal of the game arrived. And possibly the best team-goal these Lepers have produced. Starting in the arms of the keeper, the ball moved from player to player in a brilliant display of one-touch football. A perfect slide-rule pass finally found Matt Ames on the edge of the box and he slotted home for a first-half hat-trick. Magnificent from Lepers, from head to toe!

The second half saw the introduction of Stoner after his long lay-off. One would normally expect rustiness but none was shown by this true professional. He fitted into the side like a knife into a toaster. His contribution to the team was hugely encourageable as the newly invigorated Will Webb manouvered his way in front of goal and made it 5-0.

Not satisfied with equalling last week's tally Will went one better and put the Lepers 6-0 up, and the delight on his face was plain for all to see.

With minutes remaining until Gunner time, Harvey worked his way down the left flank. It looked to all the world as if the boy had overrun the ball, but with a sumptuous flick of his left foot he dinked the ball over the on-rushing keeper into the near top corner. Silence abounded until everyone had recognised the skill involved, and the success that had been earnt.

Keeper Sheen had very little to do as the Lepers maintained their guard, one and all, and triumphed 7-0. A great result in many senses. The clean sheet was special, and it was good to win a second half again!! Gunner for drinks, me thinks!

*** STOP PRESS ***

Drinks at Gunner postponed. Lepers have friendly immediately after 7-0 thrashing of Wolves.

The Lepers were drawn into the Stella Artois Classic, for the privilege of being Stella Champions. The Lepers with their formidable squad of 8, with Stoner making his first start and Matt Ames taking the gloves.

The game got off to a flier for the Lepers who went 6-0 up in the first half. Drake worked some supreme magic in scoring 2, Spike scoring another, Stoner getting his first goal for the lads as well as Mark Jerzak. The defining moment came when Sheen, unaccustomed to the outfield combined well with Drake, and ran through on goal before slotting the ball left-footed through the keeper's legs.

The only sore point for the Lepers was an eye injury to Matt Ames who had proved himself a more than adequate back-up goalkeeper. Spike taking on the keeper's gloves.

The second half was a bit of a joke as the Lepers' players went on the search for personal glory. Gaps were left and the game was back on, at 6-6. Drake, with a fantastic strike, put the Lepers back ahead. The whining idiots however struck again to make it 7-7.

The referee then proved that he was a key part of the game by giving the Lepers a penalty, cooly stroked home by Spike. There was still room for drama however, as the referee gave a penalty against the Lepers. Pressure from Jerzak on the lippy, pathetic penalty taker and an inspirational save from keeper Sheeno meant the scores remained as they were, and the referee blew his whistle instantly. Glory for all involved, with all 8 players scoring and rivals brushed out of sight!

Slovakia's development

This is the new manager of Slovakia. A fine man.

Please read about the recent visit of the Slovaks to Wales at the link below:

Humiliation

Just like watching Brazil

Time will tell if this Lepers side can become one of the all time greats. Recent results have suggested that the thought is absolutely non-sensical, but there was the niggling belief that maybe, just maybe the potential is there.

Every Leper in the squad was devastated by the draw against the Chavs and wanted to get the season back on track. It was clearly going to be a difficult task against the team that sat comfortably in second place in the table.

The game got off to the usual start, with chances for the opposition , fortunately not taken. After a brief tit-for-tat it was the Lepers that took the advantage. Phil, who is fast becoming known as a first-half specialist goalscoring hero broke the deadlock with a clinical strike. It was time for the Lepers to get behind the ball and preserve their lead.

The rearguard action worked superbly. Just a minute later Phil found himself in space once more and he slotted home to put the Lepers 2 nil up.

Once more concentration was essential. But there was really no need as Matt Ames unleashed another of his fearsome drives across the keeper and into the bottom corner. Three nil and the Lepers were still keeping their shape and working hard. The immpecable tactics were serving their purpose both in defence and in attack, and it was Ames who benefited again. The pressure created gave him a simple chance to make it 4-0.

It was time for the Lepers' first change. "Thirsty" Will Webb and the eager debutant Connor took to the field. They both showed great energy, illustrating the fantastic depth of this Lepers squad.

Both players were involved as the Lepers created more and more pressure. The opposition were beginning to fade like ghosts and serious fears were beginning to surface as to how much Lepertime they could take. Unfortunately for Brazil Harvey is not a man who shows sympathy towards weakness and his diligence and hard work helped secure him his first, and the Lepers' fifth of the game.

The faces of the opposition showed they were begging for half-time and it was not far away. However, there was still time for the Lepers to extend their lead even further. Connor tenaciously created himself some space and hit a firm shot towards the bottom corner, but unfortunately for the lad it hit the post and came out. His misfortune however, was the gain of another Leper. Webb had endured a difficult time in front of goal but this was his moment. With an instant readjustment of his body he reacted to the rebound off the post and stroked the ball majestically into the gaping net. It was the most glorious moment of the young kid's life.

The half-time whistle went and the Lepers went in to the break like a man who has sampled every beer at a beer festival. Basking in both the challenge and the victory over that challenge.

The second half was sure to be a tepid affair, with the game all but dead. The Lepers had their recently deceased second-half record in mind and wanted to resurrect that.

The opposition started to create chances but keeper Sheen was equal to everything hit at him. That was until 5 minutes in when the Lepers fell asleep and conceded. It really didn't matter.

After another interchange of passes and pressure applied on the opposition defence, the Lepers restored their six-goal advantage. Matt Ames with a very simple chance to complete his hat-trick. The best thing to be exported from Yorkshire to London in a long time.

This was the pinnacle for the Lepers who then took it in turn to bask in the glory of the victory and performance. With these well-deserved celebrations going on, the opposition found more space. They looked destined to score again from a shot across the keeper. But Sheen dived quickly low to his left and pulled off an incredible fingertip save. One experienced onlooker described it as "brilliant". There was time for a few more demonstrations of the keeper's agility before the end. Sadly, one of the late saves broke straight to an opposition player and the Lepers had conceded again.

Let's be honest, who cares about conceding when you have absolutely smashed the opposition. A fantastic performance by every single one of the Lepers and managers-in-chief Mark Stoner and Jana Kabacova. Down to the Gunner for celebratory drinks and a reflection on a job well done. The lads were happy to see the iconic Mark Jerzak join them for a few late beers!

Survival of the Scummiest

Time to get back onto the winning track for the Lepers. The previous week's disappointment had fired the lads up, and they were ready for glory. The game had also become unoffical WAG's day. Matthew Ames had kindly brought his lady along to sit in a carpark around the corner for two hours. The Bear and Jerzak allowed their lucky ladies to watch the game "live".

The Lepers had scouted this week's opponents, Chav Scum Commoners, known as Chavs. They knew the type of style to expect. Little weirdos screaming obscenities, normally in slightly high-pitched voices. The "big man at the back", being the respected exception to the rule.

Once again the Lepers were one-nil down after just a couple of minutes. However, back the Lepers came immediately. Within seconds they were level, a goal from The Rhino dragging them back into the game.

It got better seconds later as the Lepers went 2-1 up. This time it was a goal of the highest quality. Matt Ames, forgetting his incarcerated girlfriend, picked up the ball in a little bit of space, before drilling it across the keeper with such ferocity that the Chav keeper could just gape with stupidity as the ball hit the post and went in.

Within a few minutes, however, it was all square again as the Chavs broke down the left and stroked the ball past a defenceless Bear.

Not to be downhearted, the Lepers once again took charge of this topsy-turvy match. The Rhino teed himself up for a superb volley, another contender for goal of the season.

This half-time whistle saw the Lepers winning for the first time. Surely a time to build upon a great first-half performance, although they all knew they could have scored more, especially if the floodgates had opened for William Webb, who worked himself into some great positions, but just couldn't apply the final touch.

Within seconds of the restart it looked all over for the Chavs, Harvey putting the Lepers 4-2 up.

The chances continued to come for Lepers, but sadly they could not take any. The tide slowly started to turn against the Lepers. There were allegations that the referee had received a small brown envelope from the Chavs, confirmed by his propensity to support the Chavs in every squeal they made.

With the assistance of the referee, the Chavs, Sovereigns and all, began to prosper, and were rewarded with a third goal. It looked like the keeper could have done better, and the Bear's reaction suggested he felt the same.

With 5 minutes to go, after an absolutely bizarre series of decisions by the referee, little Chief Chav was through on goal and he had the equaliser was there. Keeper Bear sportingly attempted to give the ball back to the referee, but unfortunately the ball seemed to arc towards Chief Chav. A diplomatic incident ensued with Chief Chav proving that he was indeed illiterate.

Several more chances were created by the Lepers, but were all spurned. A fantastic last-ditch tackle from Jerzak saved the Lepers further embarassment, but unfortunately the mental deficient freaks of the opposition took offence and threw a temper-tantrum. Chief Chav had to be replaced.

The last seconds saw a counter-attack by the Chavs. The shot was drilled low to the keeper's left, but the Bear showed his worth with a vital save with his foot.

The Chav's assessment of the Lepers as "a bunch of City pansies" seems wide of the mark. The Lepers assessment of their opposition seems valid.

Disappointment abounded from the Lepers but they know that they will be there to fight another day. The next game they know will be huge, and the hunger is there, ready to be unleashed.

Top-of-the-table-clash

After recent performances, the media expectations of the Lepers was sky-high. This game provided a real test of the team's mettle. The drunken tombfoolerers were top of the table, with a 100% record in the league before this game.

Pre-match the Lepers had analysed their previous performances, and a defining pattern was beginning to emerge: Success was dependent on conceding first. The side's second-half performances had been incredible and were the reason for the bouyant mood within the side. The previous games had seen no goals conceded and a plethora of Leper strikes.

As the teams took to the pitch, the Lepers were surprised by the lack of manliness evident in the opposition. It was certainly a shock to see a real person enter the arena with a pair of sandals. And then to see the actor from the GayExchange adverts really confused the Lepers.

Once the referee's whistle had gone, the attire of the opposition had truly affected the Lepers. After 5 minutes, the scores were still level. With both sides having several chances. Eight minutes in this all changed. An error of concentration by all and the Lepers were 3-0 down, and it was half-time. Sadly, the half was soured by one man, known as Blackburn shirt, whose accent was absolutely appalling!

The second half continued much as the first-half ended. The Lepers' aggresion was not making any impression on the skullduggery of the tombfoolerers. And then came the crucial moment. Both teams knew the next goal was hugely important, and it went to the Tombfoolerers, who made it 6-0.

There were fears that the unbeaten second-half record could go - but the true quality of the side began to kick in.

The rhino was instrumental. Bustling his way through weak opposition, he made it into the area, shrugged off the keeper and smashed it home. Game on.

More masculine play saw Jerzak power the ball home from long range past the stunned goalkeeper. This was truly incredible.

And then, unbelievably, the Lepers pulled back a third. A goal of true class, involving all 11 of the Lepers' squad. The movement and the application by the whole side that there is no need to name the goalscorer here (Jerzak). Fabulous.

The Lepers looked to the referee for guidance - were they going to have a Chelsea-esque extra 6 minutes added?? Or were they going to get what they truly deserved - a visit to the Master Gunner??

The final whistle went, and they had done it. The Lepers had preserved their unbeaten second half record, and were off down the pub to soak up the glory.

Beautiful Beer Shirt

The shirt that the mustard-greens are encrusted in.

Quite beautiful!!

The strength to succeed

Last night's clash between Hepper's Lepers and Jeronimo was a hard-hitting affair. This new Lepers side have exploded upon Division 6 of the 'Thursday Night League' leaving chaos and carnage in their wake! However, if only the Leppers could start games as strongly as they finish them, we would be looking at serious contenders for the Division 6 Championship.

Yet again, within 5 minutes of kick-off the Leppers were 2-0 down. Their shambolic defence was caught wandering off upfront in search of glory leaving Jeronimo to rip through them and plant 2 neat strikes in the bottom corners. For those spectators unfamiliar with this fierce Leppers side, a 10-0 rout certainly looked on the cards. Stand-in keeper Matt Ames, who was deputising in the absence of the irreplaceable Bear, stood little chance of saving either goal.

However, the Jeronimo team were collectively shellshocked when their star man, Alfonso Ronaldo, twin brother of Cristiano, was on the wrong-end of a sturdy challenge by Jerzak. Jerzak had carried out this type of challenge, which can only be described as 'steaming in', several times in previous weeks. The hapless victim of the tackle picked himself up off the floor slating both the referee and Jerzak for what he believed was a foul. The Leppers regrouped, their smiles turning to dark frowns.

The fighting spirit of the Leppers was immediately evident when Phil Hoskins, placed at centre back but self-appointed Libero, strolled through the Jeronimo defence with the greatest of ease and planted a left-footed strike into the corner from the acutest of angles. The comeback had begun!

Within seconds, Midfield General Jon Harvey, the engine of the team, had twisted and turned in the centre-circle creating a yard of space to make his shot. A Jeronimo attempted block took the sting out of the shot leaving a disappointed Harvey to turn away. However, upon seeing the jubilation of his team mates he turned to see the ball had settled in the back of the old onion bag. The goal was reminiscent of Gary Neville's recent "backpass" to Paul Robinson!

At 2-2, the Jeronimo team could feel their game falling apart, which gave the Iceman Webb, fresh from his midseason break in Reykjavik the opportunity to impose his presence. Webb looked a new man in comparison to his Powerleague debut a fortnight earlier; running with the ball and seeing a couple of decent strikes go narrowly wide.

At a break in the game, 10 minutes in, the first substitution was called. Webb left the field to rapturous applause and was replaced by Dan 'Nicolas Anelka' Drake. The Lepers fans, disappointed by Drake's refusal to play for the club in the first 2 games of the season, greeted his entrance with silence. The player, nicknamed "Le Whinge", in France was sold to Squeal Madrid in acrimonious circumstances for £23m in 1999 where he repeatedly hit the headlines and even went on strike! By the end of the season he was on his way to the French capital to play for STD (PSG) in a £22m deal. But David Sheen was in no doubt about the talent he had brought to the Mustard-Yellows when he announced the signing pre-season.

With the whole World watching, Drake's first touch produced a goal, unfortunately this was due to a casual pass across the back line which was intercepted. The subsequent shot was hit low and hard, and Ames looked to have had it covered but sadly it found a way through to give a jubilant Jeronimo's side the lead.

Nevertheless, it takes a lot to keep this Leppers side down and within moments Jon Harvey had drawn them level again with a truly unforgettable goal. He struck the ball and it went in the goal - unforgettable!

The next substitution saw one battler replaced by another as Jerzak switched with The Rhino, Spike, whose immediate impact was to impersonate a human battering-ram with the ball between his feet. Jeronimo had great difficulty in getting near the ball while Spike dribbled towards them. A swift hand-off to a Jeronimo defender's face ensured that Spike's dominance on the ball was not put into question again!

The half-time interval gave the Lepers time to psyche each other up and Jeronimo a few moments to nurse their wounds.

However, within moments of the second half, Harvey was the victim of a horror-tackle which left him injured on the floor. A sly knee to his ribs was missed by the dim-witted chav-King referee with the appearance of a man lost in concentration trying to remember his own name. A blood-bin substitution was forced with Jerzak re-entering the field of play, the red-mist clearly descending, having seen a team mate injured.

Within moments, the substitute sent Ronaldo tumbling on the edge of the Lepers area. The referee waved play-on giving Jerzak the opportunity to lean down and berate the greasy-haired-Cristiano-Ronaldo-wanna-be for his disgraceful histrionics. Replays of the incident would later prove that a cynical professional foul had in fact been committed by Jerzak.

And finally - cometh the hour, cometh the man! When Drake's moment arrived he grasped it with both feet! 2 strikes from distance, one with the left foot and one with the right resulted in a worthy brace for the most controversial of debutants. One wondered whether Club Manager, Dave Sheen would have allowed Drake as many minutes on the pitch as he enjoyed last night, but the undiscriminating camaraderie of the Leppers team prevailed. The wretched Jeronimo goalkeeper was unable to make an impression in the bubbling astoturf cauldron!

This truly was a glorious victory by the hardest grafters of Division 6. They may not play pretty, but they're certainly effective. The tough test against Merry Pranksters next week should set the tone for the rest of the season. With Heppers Leppers climbing up to 3rd place, not even their 1 game, 10 goal handicap for illicit pre-season transfer dealings seems to be holding them back.

The celebrations quickly moved on to The Master Gunner with the notorious striker Drake proclaiming, "The Leppers are unstoppable on the pitch and at the bar!" He will have to wait another week to bury the hatchet with his manager, with in-house fighting seeming to be the only possibility of this unstoppable machine "steaming" their way to top of the league. Even an off-duty policewoman was caught up in the furore of the post-match celebrations to prove that this Leppers side knows how to make friends as well as enemies!

Dream Team Star man - Matt Ames (rating 9): a series of 2nd half saves kept Jeronimo at bay

Player ratings

Phil Hoskins (7): Scored a great goal but left gaps at the back while he disappeared on Walkabout.
Mark Jerzak (7): Tackled tough but must distribute the ball quicker.
Jon Harvey (8): Midfield dynamo, scored 2 unforgettable goals.
Will Webb (7): Cool under pressure, a Cage-Football veteran.
Spike (7): Increased the violence levels, took no prisoners.
Drake (8): Slow to ignite but finally set the game on fire.

Triumph is a team dressed in orange

After their courageous draw the previous week, the Lepers were desperate for blood, and not just literally. Heath Black were their opponents. Dressed in their tribal village's colour of orange, they were a formidable start. It also saw the debut of Andy "The Daddy" Tighe (top) and Mark "Hat-Trick" Eley.

After the poor start of going 3-0 down in the previous match, the Lepers were keen to make a start. And so it was that they conceded after approximately 4.26 seconds. Certainly quicker than the faster goal ever scored in the Premiership, which I might add was against Bradford City. That goal was scored by an irrelevant player from an irrelevant team, and similarities may be drawn!

The Lepers had shown their resilience before, and it was clear to see again. Straight back up the field they were, with the Libero, Phil Hoskins, waltzing through the opposition defence on more than one occasion. As it was the equaliser came when the wall broke to him on the edge of the box after good work from John Harvey off the board, and he stroked it home.

The second was of a different gravy. Once again it was the Ice Man slaloming through the stationary figures of the opposition players, and then allowing the ball to drift onto his left foot, before smashing it from an acute angle across the keeper, and in off the post. Magnifique!

The Lepers then fell asleep and conceded a free-kick which they failed to defend adequately and went in at 2-2. Slight anger.

The second half saw the Lepers reinvigorated and with a mixture of aggression and guile they tore poor Heath Black apart. Mark Eley marking his debut with a well taken goal after some very determined work.

The rest of the team, including the selfless Harvey and Tighe, kept the work rate high and this contributed to a fourth goal, slotted away by Mark Jerzak.

As the game wore on, Leper's keeper Dave Sheen got increasingly bored. At one point, massively over-exaggerating a save, just for the cameras.

As it was it was left to the people's favourite to wrap up victory. Some great interpassing found Mark Eley unmarked on the edge of the opposition box. With one touch he created himself an angle, and, after opening his body, sweetly curled it into the bottom corner.

Cue pandemonium! The promotion push was back on course.

A great time was had at the Master Gunner.

The first real game

What a game! A baptism of fire!

That's what they wanted us to believe.

The game against AFC Wimbledon got off to a shocker. Within minutes the Lepers were struggling. Eight minutes in and the deadlock was broken. Quite how, nobody will know.

One minute later, they were at it again, knocking at the door of the Leper's hardcore defence. Unfortunately, the door folded, and the valiant souls were two down.

Seconds later, and still with minutes to go before half time the game was over. Like a mouse through a mousehole the Crazy Gang were through on goal again, and GOAL. Leper's heads started to go down, and the realisation that this would be a hard season had dawned.

Half-time was a welcome break for the lads. There was a great deal of disappointment, but also anger at the way they had conducted themselves. There were stern words, but the togetherness was still there.

And this was illustrated within minutes of the opening of the second half. The Lepers jammed open the door with a scrappy goal from Mark Jerzak! What a goal that was. They all count as they say.

The battle continued. And the Lepers were beginning to believe. Then from nowhere, Matt Ames picked up the ball on the halfway line. He looked up, assessed his options and shot. Magical. He scuffs the ball into the ground, turns away in disgust, curses every religion under the sun and berates himself. Then ... suddenly ... his eyes open ... and he sees the joy and acclaim from his teammates. Somehow the keeper has collapsed and let the ball in! The comedy of the moment lightens the mood.

AFC Wimbledon collapsed in the tide of ecstasy and aggression generated from the hearts of the Lepers. And it was inevitable when Johan Harvey scored the equalising goal. A truly unforgettable goal.

From that point the Lepers were insatiable with their pressure, but were firing as many blanks as a Chernobyl victim in front of goal, and the game was heading for a stalemate.

Until ... keeper Dave Sheen collected the ball in his area, looking to distribute the ball quickly. He threw the ball straight to the opposing striker ... the Lepers were doomed ... but then the fool redeemed himself with a save out of the top-drawer (not his first!) and the game was over.

What a game! Bring on the rest of the season! And it was down to the Master Gunner for drinks to help integrate the squad. 6 Kronenbourgs and 1 Stella. Again and again!!

The opening match

Our opening match was against Wollongong Wolves.

The game didn't actually happen as the Powerleague didn't tell us when the league started, therefore we defaulted the match, losing 10-0!

Nothing interesting to report here.

The road to Wembley (or Gelsenkirchen)

These are the games we must play on our route to domination:









21/09/2006 The WACM Wolves 1935
28/09/2006 AFC JP Morgan 1715
05/10/2006 Olympic Blackheath 1935
12/10/2006 Jeronimo 1900
19/10/2006 Merry Pranksters 2120
26/10/2006 CSC FC 1750
02/11/2006 Little Lebowski USA 2010
09/11/2006 The WACM Wolves 1825
16/11/2006 AFC JP Morgan 2045
23/11/2006 Olympic Blackheath 1750
30/11/2006 Jeronimo 2120
07/12/2006 Merry Pranksters 1825
14/12/2006 CSC FC 2010
21/12/2006 Little Lebowski USA 1715

The beginning

Beautiful Beer FC is soon to be the finest 5-a-side football team known to mankind.

Created in September 2006 the squad consists of a hardcore squad of 8 players, and a number of renegade extras.

The core is as follows:

Matt "The Yorkshireman" Ames
Dan "The Devious" Drake
Andy "The Rhino" Harby
John "The General" Harvey
Phil "Libero" Hoskins
Mark "Ginger Mist" Jerzak
Dave "The Bear" Sheen
Will "Iceman" Webb

We play in a Powerleague in London, and will soon take over the world.